ALL OF MY BUCKETS

Words by Mark Mandel and Daniel Mandel

Music and recording by Daniel Mandel

Drawing, abstract art by Mark Mandel

ALL OF MY BUCKETS

lyrics by Mark and Daniel Mandel

I have multiple clowns, but they’re all the same
I sweep this stage to clear my shame
You can go home when you’ve had enough
But I live here inside when the going gets rough

There’s no help to be had when I’m in this place
When I’m down on my knees and I don’t feel safe
When I bought my perfection I paid with my peace
and I’m still performing some aspect of me

But now I surrender to the feeling of pain
It’s moving in ways I can’t explain
Sometimes my back and sometimes my leg
Sometimes I borrow and sometimes I beg
I know that tomorrow will bring a new change
I want to be a generous man
I want to be a generous man

I threw all of my buckets into the sea
the audience laughed at the confetti
This isn’t what I thought it would be
You may ask yourself if you’ve felt the same
Is there any way to win at this game?
The joke is on you if you don’t know you’re playing

Daniel:

This song was born out of pain. My brother and I were talking at length about what I was learning relative to managing my emotions and how that affects my experience and perception of pain.

Mark sent me a poem reflecting our conversation and it struck me as a beautiful way to process some of this difficult material.

i Be Safe

(original poem by Mark Mandel)

There’s no help to be had if I’m in a place

where I’m down on my knees and I don’t feel safe.

I threw all of my buckets into the sea.

I’m all on my own. No one’s helping me.

I have multiple clowns, but they’re all the same.

Anxiety flows but who’s to blame?

I want to be generous when I can.

Please put a few dollars into my pan.

I play all of the music that everyone likes

and take care of things, avoiding all strife.

Some day I hope to find a new way

to keep moving along with a freer sway.

But now I surrender to the feeling of pain.

It’s moving about. I can’t explain.

Sometimes in my hip. Sometimes in my leg.

Sometimes I borrow and sometimes I beg.

I know that tomorrow will bring a new chance

to allow me to renew the safety dance.

All I ask is that you help me one final time

by singing along from the depths of your mind.

Mark:

I was speaking to my brother the other day and we were talking about our inner selves and struggles, as usual, and at one point he said that he has arranged his life so that he can take care of himself, because, and I quote, “There’s no help to be had.”

And then he began speaking about safety, and I continued to take notes. I took down a buch of notes during that call. The next morning, as I am want to do, I started working on my new daily poem. This is something I started a few years ago and have kept doing, because it seems to me creativity is one of the most healing things any of us can do.

The poem I came up with came directly from my notes of my conversation with my brother the night before.

Daniel took that poem and, using his own immense creativity, turned it into this remarkable song. I love this process. Stay tuned for more Mandel brothers creations to come!